Healthy Relationships

Why does depression make it so difficult to reach out to the people we know care about us? Is there a trigger in our brain that is set off once we arrive at a particular point in the realm of sadness where we feel we do not deserve help or the comfort of a friend?

Reach out to those you know. Tell them how you feel.
I hope you have been able to cultivate relationships with caring people who do not judge you.

I suspect that people who suffer from depression grew into life with a shortage of healthy relationships. You need to be able to spot them when they are in front of you. You also need to be able to recognize when they are unhealthy. And, you need to gather the will to sever ties with people who are downright terrible for your self-esteem. I really do not need anyone in my life who makes me feel bad about myself. I do that just fine on my own, thanks.

I also suspect that the cognitive errors common among people with depression can make it hard to know when a relationship is healthy. We tend to believe we can read minds, know the future, and think of things in terms of all or nothing. Do what you can to identify this type of thinking when it occurs. To begin to explore cognitive therapy, I would like to suggest reading the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, MD.

Here are a few tips on a health relationship as summarized from Go Ask Alice

• respectful
  
• secure & comfortable
• not violent (I know...it seems like a no brainer)
• can resolve conflicts
• enjoy time together (really....you need to think about it.)
• sexual by mutual choice!
• honest
• communicate clearly and openly
• more good times than bad

If some one is manipulating you, making you feel bad about yourself, criticizing how you dress or talk or look, or is overly jealous or possessive...if you are afraid of the person's temper or if he/she is violent....then you should probably END that relationship or at the least begin to discuss ways to make the relationship a healthy one.



Keep in mind that you as well as your friend or partner may have learned some unhealthy behaviors and attitudes that you may BOTH need to unlearn. If your partner or friend shows signs of wanting to make changes, then you should cautiously proceed and set benchmarks of progress.

Choose Love

Love is a choice.



I have been meaning to share this tid bit of insight since Valentine's Day...although my timing is off I am hopeful that the message will still be found as helpful.

You CHOOSE to LOVE.

I say this to all the people who wanted a fairy tale romance and are now desperately disappointed that they do not have it. I say this to all the people who are wondering when they will find the right person. When you choose to be ready for love, it will be easier to find. When you choose to be happy with the one you are with, it will be easier to make it happen...especially if your partner is also ready to be happy and ready to put time, effort, and communication into making the relationship work--that is the choice!

Our sense that personality can be measured through a squadron of survey questions as crafted by EHarmony.com has not helped people get comfortable with the reality that even those happy couples on the EHarmony.com commercials will have to deal with...Love is a Choice.
It is possible that those couples who use services like EHarmony.com may have an easier time convincing themselves that they made the right choice and they should continue to put capital into the investment they made: the love partnership.

Attraction blinds us and entrances our senses. We are lured in by our own desire to connect and to believe we will be cherished and cared for. These feelings bring us into interpersonal relationships were we may eventually no longer feel the spark or believe we are as well treated as we once believed. That is the moment when the choice becomes most apparent, but it was always there.

While we may have felt that we had no choice but to follow our hearts, we actually did make the choice to follow them...it is simply that the feelings were so overwhelming that the choice was easy. Once the dust settled and the sun began to shine clearly on a person full of faults and other quirks we are left with the reality of our situation, that to stay with the person means to place ourselves willingly into the semi-delusion that "everything will be okay."

I am not saying that love is a farce.

I am saying that ROMANCE is a fantasy that we can co-create together.

We CHOOSE to be PARTNERS in a Romance, in a Relationship.
We choose to share with each other are deepest hope, our most sincerest self, and our most joyous desires. We choose to share and promise to help one another maintain joy and hope and sincerity through live through LOVE.

Your partner may not be a super star all the time, but you can choose to fill your eyes with love and see that person in that light.

There are times when no amount of positive emotion will help change the bitter truth that the person you are with is indeed no good for you and is not even trying to live up to the ideals you both have hopefully taken time to communicate to one another. Sometimes love is not a good choice.

However, I believe that we must consider what we want in a relationship, what we want in another person, and what we are willing to do. We have to communicate these things and recognize that maintaining love and romance are collaborative processes.

If you are willing to love and to be loved, you will find someone who is also willing to love YOU and to be loved by YOU.

I believe we can choose to maintain and nurture love.

I think this idea may be a bit revolutionary to some, who believe that the spark should maintain them for their entire relationship until death they do part.

We can choose to believe that we have a person in our lives who will be there with us when we need them, through good times and bad. We can choose to believe we have a partner who will care for us and love us with few conditions--only the expectation that we acknowledge each other for who we are and who we want to become as we grow together. To believe that the spark will be enough is a bit unrealistic. Love and relationshops are work, and it's worth it.

Be partners. Be lovers.

Choose Love!